BREAKING NEWS!!! First Look at the New Standardized Testing for College Students

Did ya read David Brooks' column last week in The New York Times? In the immortal words of Carl Spackler, I had to laugh. It just shows how out of touch the people who think they are on the cutting edge of this so called "reform movement" really are. Guess what got me the biggest laugh? Yep you are right.

Brooks, showing is just how smart he thinks he is side suggested,

"One part of the solution is found in three little words: value-added assessments. Colleges have to test more to find out how they’re doing."

Not only is this impractical, (think of how many tests for each class, discipline must be created. Oh, wait, that will bring in boffo bucks to Prentice), but college is the one place where true synthesizing of independent thought is encouraged.

But perhaps I am being too harsh in mocking Mr Brooks. Maybe he is on to something here. He went so far as providing a solution to his suggestion.

 then-Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings, recommended a serious accountability regime. Specifically, the commission recommended using a standardized test called the Collegiate Learning Assessment.

But as my 10 1/2 year old son always says, "Dad, the devil is in the details," I decided to give another assignment to the Crack Team here at SBSB to track down this so called "Collegiate Learning Assessment," and report back post haste with not only a report, but a copy of it so I can share with the loyal readers of this blog.

I want to personally thank the Crack Team for pulling this assignment off. In particular, a big shout out is directed at Crack Team member Hank for the new low in deviancy that he perpetrated in obtaining the copy of the CLA. Thank you Hank!

As you will see below, the questions truly do assess the college student in a proper format. Here are just some of those questions.

1. You wish to buy a 1/2 ounce for $250 of high quality reefer from the dorm stoner. There are very few stems and seeds in the weed. However, the local dealer in town is selling an ounce of weed for $250. He claims it is California Sensemilia, but you are not sure, and you see too many seeds and stems. Do you?


A. Buy from the dorm stoner.
B. Buy from the local town dealer.
C. Buy from both, smoke a little, combine and sell for a profit.
D. Buy from the dorm stoner because you think the local dealer is SUNY Public Safety undercover.


2. You plan on having a Blue Whale party in your dorm room. What are the ingredients that are needed for a proper Blue Whale?


A. Vodka and Labatt's Blue
B. Vodka and Blue Mountain Dew
C. Vodka and Blue Curacao
D. Vodka and Blueberry Schnapps


3. You wish to smoke some recently purchased marijuana. Unfortunately, you have no rolling paper, bong, or a pipe. It is too late and too cold to go out to buy either so you must find something amongst your dorm room. The only possibilities are Coke can, a cucumber, a day old egg roll, and a piece of tin foil. Describe in your own words how you will use make and use each item listed above into a marijuana delivery system.


4. You were out all night partying and drinking until closing time. You realized just before last call that you had a 9 AM class. You don't crash until 4 30 AM and awake at 8 30 AM. Do you...


A. Sleep in.
B. Roll out of bed, put some cool sunglasses on and hope people notice you.
C. Drink some more and then head to class
D. Go to class, sit in the back and fall asleep.


5. You have just spent the early evening with your lady friend. You soon realize that you are bored of this situation and do not wish to spend the night. You need to exit graciously. Do you...?


A. Wait until she is asleep, leave and never call her again.
B. Text a friend covertly asking him to call. You scream into the phone that your roommate has been beaten up and that you must get back to help him out.
C. Have a true heart to heart talk with her.
D. Offer her a blue whale.


6. The Resident Director and his evil henchman, the Resident Assistant come into your dorm room and see that there are 20 people and 200 empty cans of Stroh's strewn about. You....


A. Tell the RD that you are collecting cans.
B. That you are collecting the cans to recycle.
C. You have no idea how they got there.
D. Blame someone else.


7. The New York State Troopers come on to your dorm floor to investigate a stolen Christmas tree. Unfortunately, there are many opened bottles of alcohol being drunk openly by underage drinkers. What do you do?


A. Hide the alcohol.
B. Call  trooper a name in the hope of a diversion.
C. Hide the dorm mate and the alcohol.
D. Deny, deny, deny.

This is just a sample of what the College Learning Assessment will be. We here at SBSB feel that ex Secretary Margaret Spellings and her client The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation Godspeed in implementing this college assessment.