SOUTH BRONX SCHOOL: Back to the Future With Governor Cuomo

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Back to the Future With Governor Cuomo

The Crack Team after all these years has finally mastered the Flux Capacitor and inserted it into a
1977 VW Beetle. We had decided to travel to the future to see what would happen if Governor Andy got his way with the draconian measures (5 years for tenure, 50% of evaluation tied to state exams, 35% tied to independent evaluator, 15% evaluated by principal, giving great teachers up to $20k, and more charters) he has proposed.

Even though we needed a carburetor in the Beetle we took it out on the Sprain Parkway at 1AM to be sure we had a enough room to get it up to 88 MPH. It took a few miles to do it but we did! We hit a few time periods over the ensuing ten years to see what will become of education in the formerly great State of New York.


Having forsaken a run for president the previous year, Governor Andy readies himself for a third term run the following year and a possible presidential run in 2020. The New York Post has just reported that under Governor Andy's new evaluation system, 95% of teachers are rated effective or higher in New York City and statewide the total is 97%. One hundred thousand teachers across the state were considered excellent and each were awarded $20k, however not one teacher accepted the cash incentive, or those that did, donated it to their school districts to make up for the millions of dollars that Governor Andy has withheld.

The independent evaluators that Governor Andy touted so turned out to be college students found through CraigsList and were making $12/hr. When the New York Time reports this, Governor Andy misinterprets the fallout and decides that in the future that unpaid college interns will be the new independent evaluators saving districts across the state millions of dollars.

Eva Moskowitz opened her first Success Academy in tony Bronxville tweeting that rich, spoiled, white kids need saving #dontstealivyleaguepossible.

Early 2018

Getting ready to run for a third term as Governor Andy is yet again disappointed with his new state of the art education reformed he had announced the previous year. He decries that now 97% of NYC teachers and 98% of teachers statewide are rated effective or highly effective. Having substituted the $20k teaching bonus with $5 gift cards to Arby's for teachers of excellence he soon realizes it is all for naught. Teachers do not like Arby's. Also Governor Andy has decided that 80% of a teachers evaluation is to be based on state exams (Ten percent both for the outside evaluator and principal) and that there will be a new level of effective teacher. It will be known as "Really super duper effective."

However, a month after this is passed in the legislature a scandal erupts. Apparently, Educators4Excellence has morphed into a religious cult and it seems all the unpaid college interns are E4E members and worship Little Evan Stone. Little Evan soon skips the country with the interns in tow and they all arrive in Jonestown, Guyana where no one ever heard from them again.

Faced with no outside evaluators Governor Andy decides that evaluators can be found huddled together outside of all Home Depot's and Lowe's and only need to be paid a day rate of $10 plus transportation and a slice and a Coke.

Eva Moskowitz has now opened up another Success Academy in Scarsdale calling the schools there failing because 5 students were not accepted at an Ivy and must settle for SUNY instead.

When asked about all these changes, UFT President Mike Mulgrew says, "Well it could have been worse. Thank God we have a seat at the table."

January 2019

Governor Andy ran for a third term in November 2018. In race against Republican candidate Senator Dean Skelos Governor Andy received 40% of the vote versus Skelos' 25% and write in candidate "Inanimate Object" received 34%. Sadly, Governor Andy mistakenly believes he has a mandate.

In his state of the state speech Governor Andy says enough is enough with the state of education in New York State. He threatens the assembly to pass his comprehensive education plan or they will face loss of bathroom privileges in the capitol building and will instead have to find a restaurant on Pearl St to relieve themselves.

He is upset because all teachers in New York State have been deemed Really Super Duper Effective. Henceforth he declared all evaluations will be based on 99.99% of state exams. Teachers will not get paid unless they can prove to an independent evaluator paid for by the state and hired though Pearson (Which has incidentally donated millions of dollars to Governor Andy in 2018) that they can answer every question correctly on a newly proposed yearly teaching licensing exam. If one question is wrong on the test the teacher will be immediately fired and his or her name and photo sent to the New York Post.

Teachers who miss two questions will be summarily interred along with their families to re-education camps sponsored by News Corp where they will learn to see Governor Andy as a deity.

Tenure has now been extended to 25 years of being Really Super Duper Effective.

Students will be tested (through a new $7 billion testing contract to Pearson) 2 times a week--Mondays and Fridays-- so progress can be checked weekly.

Teachers are quitting in droves. By June of 2019 all but one teacher in the Alfred-Almond School District has resigned or retired. Governor Andy will announce in July of 2019 that he plans to clone himself so that he and he alone, will teach all subjects in all schools across the state.

He soon dumps Sandra Lee and brings in Eva Moskowitz and his new consort until he finds out that she is just a heartless and soulless artificial life form.

He calls in the state police to arrest each and every member of the legislature. He declares martial law across the state and arrests all members every school district statewide.

Soon, alone and friendless, sitting in his den in Mount Kisco friendless he soon hears a knock at the door. It is the spirit of Mario. Mario does what he should have done years earlier.

They call for a taxi which takes them down 684 to White Plains. They head east on I-287 and get off at exit 8 and come to New York Hospital. Mario's spirit helps check Governor Andy in...for a very, very long stay.

Soon education is saved. Teachers return from exile. The sun rises again. The birds sing and most importantly, our children are back to learning.

Meanwhile at 52 Broadway, Mike Mulgrew when asked by reporters about Governor Andy's convalescing says, "I like him, at least we had a seat at the table."

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