Whitney Tilson's Reefer Madness

I had a really crappy day today. Not good at work, not good at baseball practice. It was long as well. Didn't get home until 8 30, didn't eat until 9. But something cheered me up.

I checked my email and there it was. The writings from the demented mind Whitney Tilson. As Sean Hannity gives me a good laugh when I need it on my way home, so does Whitney give me one when I am annoyed.

But there are so many musings of Whitney's writings to choose from? Where do I begin? Or end? I have an idea. It is of course nameless, and in now way can the authenticity be verified, but let's give it the old college rest room try, shall we Whitney?

Whitney blabbers; "Wow, this is a powerful story by a student trapped at one of NYC’s many chronically failing schools – in particular, one of the schools Joel Klein is trying to shut down for persistent educational malpractice. As you read this poor girl’s story, ask yourself who the teachers union was looking out for when the sued (so far successfully) to keep this disgrace open:"

Yes powerful. More powerful than a locomotive. But the high school in question, Paul Robeson, received a C last year. We all know the meaningless of the letter grades for schools, and besides a C is not failing. Also, Paul Robeson was rated as proficient last year as well. So nerts to you Whitney.

So what did this student write to Whitney?

If I could burn down this school and get away with it, I would. I despise it.

I got accepted to Louis Brandeis HS in Manhattan, but my mom said, "That's too far away. You can't go that far." She said, "Go to Paul Robeson." We live across the street, and it was her high school, too. It was bad when she went here, and it's still bad.

There are cameras everywhere. They think you're going to be afraid of the cameras. I'm not sure they even work, or if they check them.

Kids smoke weed in the halls and stairwells. The boys have a motto: "I don't go to high school. I go to school high." I asked one guy what he wanted to be when he grew older. He said, "A drug dealer." Most of the girls are pregnant or have babies. There's a free day-care center here with about 20 babies.

The boys pressure you. A lot of girls will do anything and everything in the staircase -- 90 percent of the time it's giving the boys oral sex. My friend saw a girl sitting on a boy; her shirt was off. It was gross. One time we walked up the back staircase and found two used condoms on a step. No guards or teachers walk up that way.

There's lots of fighting. My God, do they fight. One guy got hit so hard he started bleeding and had a seizure in the cafeteria. There was a tag fight, where one person gets pulled out and their friend jumps in. A security guard trying to break it up was pushed down the stairs.

…I want this school to close so bad. I don't want to be stuck here.

Before I share the analysis of this "letter" from the crack research team here at SBSB, I want to applaud the "writer" for using every teenage cliche in the book. Bravo!! Whitney, can you vouch for the authenticity?

So the "writer" wishes to burn down the school? When hasn't a teenager felt this way? Not just about a school, but about anything? This is called teenage angst Whitney. Surely there are some interstate rest areas you have had bad experiences at that you wish to torch?

The "writer" claims that she was accepted at Brandeis High School, but the mother wanting her to stay nearby at Robeson. This seems strange. A mother not wanting the best for her daughter? Whitney you have said it is not the parents who are to blame. It is the teachers that are most responsible for a student's success. Is this not a contradiction of your theory? Why are you not admonishing the mother for her actions? I mean from Albany Ave in Brooklyn to Brandeis is 45 minutes on the A train. No biggie.

Cameras everywhere? You mean no cameras at Science, or Stuyvesant, or Brooklyn Tech? Does Brandeis have cameras? Bergstrom has cameras.

What cracked us up the most here at the research facility at SBSB was the cliched references to marijuana. Gee, a high school where students get high? What I would find shocking is a high school where not one student ever got stoned. I went to class stoned once in 9th grade. BFD!!! We also fell over one another at the "school high" gag. Think that one has been around since 1945. And the drug dealer bit, yeah that was creative. I wanted to be Major Nelson when I got older. Teens, when will they ever learn.

When I was in high school, there was this couple that would make out everyday at one of the back exits. I mean whenever I walked into or out of school, they were there doing here thing. And guess what Whitney? You might not now this, but adolescent boys have one thing on their minds. And it ain't hedge funds. But, it is sort of like a hedge, if you catch my drift. Wink, wink, nod, nod. Well, you wouldn't know about that would you? I am sure you have seen worse in your travels amongst the rest areas of the interstate highway system.

Fight happens Whitney. I elbowed my health teacher my senior year (by accident) when he was attempting to pull me off someone's face.

You cliched this all thing up Whitney. You could write better fiction. Just a question Whitney, how did you fit in in high school? How many wedgies a day did you receive?