SOUTH BRONX SCHOOL: Mike Mulgrew Pulls a Dwight Schrute

Monday, April 10, 2023

Mike Mulgrew Pulls a Dwight Schrute

 Sometime ago The Crack Team secretly embedded a microphone on Mike Mulgrew to get a first hand account of healthcare negotiations, meetings with members, and other inanity. This microphone was with Mulgrew for over a year. Unfortunately, members of The Crack Team were unable to upload the original recording due to a technical glitch. But when one door closes another door opens. Frank of The Crack Team had the foresight to transcribe the year long audio and tonight, for the first time anywhere, SBSB takes it's readers deep into Mike Mulgrew's plan to subvert our healthcare. 

Mayor Adams: There’s a decision that needs to be made, and I’m having an unbelievably a busy day. So I’m going to let you pick a health care plan for our NYC retirees and then explain it to the retirees

Mike Mulgrew: Yes. I can do it. I’m your man..

Mike Mulgrew: OK, first, let’s go over some parameters. How teachers can I fire?

Mayor Adams: Ah, none. You’re picking a health care plan.

Mayor Adams: If Mulgrew fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we’ve talked about that already.

Mike Mulgrew: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved the city money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don’t believe in coddling people.

Mike Mulgrew: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.

Female UFT Officer: OK. Mike. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?

Mike Mulgrew: Yes. And my decision in final.

Female UFT Officer: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.

Mike Mulgrew: Aww, times are tough. Deal with it.

Female UFT Officer: You cut more than you had to, didn’t you?

Mike Mulgrew: Sure.

Female UFT Officer: Well, why did you do that? You work for the DOE as well, don’t you want good insurance?

Mike Mulgrew: Don’t need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.


Mike Mulgrew: OK, everyone. Gather round. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I’d like you to do is to open chat windows and type down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I’ll see what I can do.

Two Teachers Collaborating during town hall meeting...

Teacher 1: So, let’s say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Teacher 2: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Mike Mulgrew: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony. Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection. I’ll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!

The problem, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. [reads off of paper] “Count Choculitis”

At a town hall meeting several weeks later....

Mike Mulgrew: I’m now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered. Number one: Inverted penis.

Mike Mulgrew: OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you. I’ll make sure that’s covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?

Teacher from Staten Island: That’s a real thing.

Mike Mulgrew: Yeah, but no one here has it.

Teacher from Staten Island: Someone has it.

That's all for now. We can see all the hard work that Mulgrew has put in.

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