SOUTH BRONX SCHOOL: Of Mice And Ruben Brosbe

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Of Mice And Ruben Brosbe

It was the depths of the Great Recession. Teachers everywhere were losing their jobs, being denied tenure. Two men, Evan Stone and Ruben Brosbe were chased out of a school by an angry mob when Ruben nearly bored a classroom of 3rd graders to death. They were both on the run again, looking for a school that would take them in.

Evan was the smart one, the one with the plans. His companion Ruben was slow witted, easily manipulated, and extremely self absorbed. But Evan promised those at TFA that he would look out for Ruben, that he will always be by his side.

They finally boarded a bus, the M55, that would take them to the Bronx. Evan knew there were jobs to be had. They got off the bus on 181st and the Grand Concourse and camped out for the night in a vacant lock. The next morning they would head to PS 47 on 167th St where they heard there were jobs to be had.

As they were eating beans, Ruben, with his big eyes looked at Evan and asked, "Tell me about the tenure Evan, tell me about the tenure."

Evan was looking for one more job, one more gig in which he would finally have enough money to open a school of his own and run things the way he wished to, to give out tenure to those who were deserved of it.

"Oh the tenure will be great," Evan started to explain to Ruben. "We will not give it out with out properly evaluating whether or not each teacher deserves it. Each decision on tenure will be merit based. We will implement the E4E manifesto regarding tenure immediately. We will be loved and adored."

"And I'll get tenure too, right Evan?" Rubeb said excitedly. "You betcha!" said Evan.

But before they laid down to sleep, Evan exhorted wise words upon Ruben.

"Ruben, listen carefully. Look at this spot where we are, look around, remember it. If you fuck up again, I mean any kind of fuck up at the new school, just run to this spot. Run here and wait for me. Got it?"

"Sure Evan, I understand," said Ruben

The next day Evan and Ruben entered the school and met with the principal. Both were both given jobs. Evan as a teacher, and Ruben as his para. And old teacher, Candy showed them to the classroom and both were to spend the day setting up.

But just before they set up, they met Curley, the principals son and AP. Curley looked at Ruben and took an instant dislike to him. It seemed that Curley hated whiny, Blog Monkeys™. But there was another problem, Curley's wife. Curley's wife liked Blog Monkeys™.

After an uneventful first day of teaching, Evan and Ruben met up with Slim, a veteran TFA teacher. Slim was overworked. He for some reason had more than one class. Ruben saw an opportunity.

"Evan, can I have the class? Please? I promise to love the students and take care of them everyday."

Evan gave Ruben the OK to be a classroom teacher. Ruben was happy.

But the joy of having a new class was not to last. Ruben was trying to hard with his class. He was overbearing and boring. He made no sense. He didn't know how deficient he was. Soon enough, and sadly, the class died of boredom.

Soon after this happened, Ruben was alone in the classroom when Curley's wife walked in. Curley's wife asked  Ruben to tell her about his blog, about E4e, about everything he knows about teaching. Ruben was more than happy to oblige.

This went on for hours. Ruben talked and talked and talked. He didn't even let Curley's wife get in a word. For a while, Curley's wife was being polite, She nodded her head as if truly interested, but even after she started to yawn incessantly, Ruben could not take the hint. Suddenly, after about the fourth hour of Ruben's soliloquy, Curley's wife's eyes rolled back into her head, she gasped for air, and fell to the floor.

Ruben had fucked up again. This time there would be hell to pay. He couldn't get out of this one like he had at the previous school. He had to run, and run he did to that spot where Evan told him to meet if he ever fucked up again.

Evan had been out on the town with Slim when he got back to the school. He saw a commotion and saw Curley and the other teachers standing around Curley's wife's body. They all knew who was responsible, they all knew that Ruben had just bored her to death.

Evan knew where to find Ruben. He dared not let the others know, but he knew and knew what he had to do. He couldn't let the others, now a mob of teachers, get to Ruben first. He had to be the one who did it. To do it quick and to save Ruben from any pain.

Evan got to the meeting spot. "Ruben, you have now done did it and I don't think I can help you this time."

"I'm sorry Evan, I am sorry," cried Ruben.

"Come here big fella," Evan said to Ruben as they both sat down and Evan put his arm around Ruben.

"Tell me about the tenure again. I like the way you tell it."

"Sure Ruben, sure," said Evan as he said in his most reassuring voice. ""Oh the tenure will be great. "We will not give it out with out properly evaluating whether or not each teacher deserves it. Each decision on tenure will be merit based. We will implement the E4E manifesto regarding tenure immediately. We will be loved and adored."

And as Evan was saying this, he started to look at the back of Ruben head. The deed needed to be done. He was happy that he was not looking in Ruben's eyes.

Suddenly, Evan did what needed to be done, that should have been done to Ruben so long ago.

"Ruben," said Evan, "you are a putz, a schmuck, and schlimazel. Please, leave teaching now. I can no longer help you, nor do I want to. Please don;t come to any more E4E meetings, lose my number, lose my email address. Please, go away."

Finally, what needed to be done was done. Evan looked at Ruben with a face of relief. Evan was rid of the albatross. In fact better, education was rid of the Ruben.


zulma said...


The best part was Ruben when bored Curley's wife to death. I couldn't stop laughing.

I don't even read Ruben's blog out of fear that it might happen to me.

Keep these side-slapping stories coming.

Miss RIm said...

Well, done, sir.